I haven’t had any work for the last few weeks. That’s the way it goes with my life, ebb and flow. Everything was a stressful overwhelming mess, and now there’s no more tutoring, classes, festivals or essays to be written. I literally just get to work on my novel. Which is all I’ve ever wanted.
We’ve all been there, haven’t we? ‘One day I’ll earn enough to write full time and I won’t have to do my crappy day job.’ Except, sadly, I think I need my crappy day job for my brain to actually work. Otherwise, I sit at home and write a bit, tidy a bit, sit around watching TV and getting depressed about my ability to do anything, bug my partner at work, go to the gym, and wonder why I got more writing done when I had three other jobs on the go.
I think it would be different if I had a job that was still a joy, like being a mum and full time writer. Although more and more I wonder how the hell my wonderful writer friends with kids manage at all! That’s not really a job you get a break from. Or space to yourself, to climb inside your own mind and hang out with the imaginary people in there.
I knew this about myself. I wrote it in my five year business plan when I graduated from my creative entrepreneurship MA. I need to keep busy in order to be creative. Again, it’s about balance, something I’ve never been very good at. So at the moment, instead of doing all the powerful things I could be doing to prepare for when the work starts up again (organising files, doing my accounts, prepping all my tutoring work) I’m just distracting myself by procrastinating and using my skills for anything I possibly can. Including blogging about the distinct turmoil of getting everything you ever wanted.
Yeah. I hate me too. Ungrateful bitch that I am. So, now I’ve procrastinated for the day, I’m going to use that precious time for my actual job- writing books.
I guess the lesson here is ‘be careful what you wish for’ but really, it’s about knowing who you are, and what you need to stay creative.